The World As You Know It Is About To End!

Okay, middle and upper-classes—are you ready for a permanent change in your lifestyle? In a new article from FoxNews, environmentalists are cited as saying that "Fluffy toilet paper [is] worse for the environment than Hummers!" So, each time you are wiping your precious behind, you are KILLING a "rare old-growth forest" in Canada. How can you have that on your conscience???

It's true! By using that extra-fluffy Charmin TP when cleaning off your behind, you are single-handedly destroying the environment at a rate that is usually reserved for gas-guzzling SUV's. The environmentalists say that we use it for less than three seconds, so why does it need to be so luxurious? I, however, counterpoint that that three seconds can give or take away comfort for the rest of the day. Have you ever missed a spot? It's miserable...believe me. They also say that "future generations are going to look at the way we make toilet paper as one of the greatest excesses of our age." Honestly, if my children's children judge me because of the feeling I like to have on my behind, I think they need to find something better to do.

How do the tree huggers want you to combat your war against our precious forests? It's simple. Just use toilet paper used from recycled materials. It's not nearly as plushy (in fact it may feel worse than crumpled-up newspaper shoved up your behind), and it's a little more expensive (I believe around $72 a roll), but you'll be saving the precious environment. I don't know about you, but if I use the wrong toilet paper (like the toilet paper in a public restroom), it can ruin my day! So I've got a few suggestions of my own:

1. Buy a Beday – it's more ecologically sound because you're not knocking trees down to clean yourself off (forget about the water shortage; they're tree huggers, not water huggers). Plus those Europeans always want us Americans to be more cultured. This can be our version of Europeanization.
2. Don't Wipe – hey...what's a little chafage and odor? You may have no friends and a giant wedgie, but you'll have a clear conscience knowing that you gave the world a few seconds more of oxygen from that tree that was already knocked down to provide you toilet paper.
3. Just use the dang toilet paper! – Conserve your energy by buying energy-efficient lightbulbs, utilizing public transportation, driving efficient cars, and recycling the materials that you do use, and just use the three-ply TP!

So, soccer moms, go out and buy a hummer, because you are far better off doing that than feeling that extra comfort during your morning constitutional. The environmentalists say so! Me? I'm going to stick with using my multi-ply toilet tissue; I figure that the environment isn't quite a good enough reason to walk around all day like I've used bark from the trees in my backyard to clean between my cheeks. Oh, and environmentalists...find something else to moan about next time. I hold toilet paper near and dear to my...heart...