World's Easiest Job

Okay...it's official. I've decided on the career for me. There isn't a job in the world that could possibly be easier or pay as much money for little work as one of the silent actors in historical documentaries. Seriously! I was watching a documentary on the History Channel today, and I saw that the most these actors had to do for a day's work was show up, get in makeup and costumes and then stand in front of a camera, moving about in slow motion until the director says cut. In fact, the people portraying these historical figures rarely even have to look good. Have you ever seen pictures of the old Tsars of Russia and their families? Many look hideously ugly, most have not even seen a bathtub in their lives, and all of them can be played by those of us who look...a little less like Brad Pitt in Ocean's 11 and more like Mr. Pitt from Seinfeld. Take this lady for instance: Tsarevna Sophia Alekseyevna, half sister and regent of Peter the Great. She looks quite similar to one of those dogs that everyone says is cute so they don't offend the owner, but really looks like a giant rat with a nose bigger than the rest of its entire body. What do you think about these? I actually think the dog has a much better-looking face. I can think of a few people that would be great at playing Sophia.

WOW! Look at those eyebrows! 

What is the most dangerous workplace hazard to these silent actors and models? Well, it's either contracting carpal tunnel from lifting up the same pen and signing a character's name for hours at a time, or it's suffering some kind of acute respiratory disease from inhaling too much powder from the white wigs. I'm definitely willing to take these chances for a day's pay that's definitely better than working the same amount of time at McDonald's. And there's very little risk of splashing hot oil on yourself. Plus, you'd receive the satisfaction of watching your documentary on television and bragging to all of your friends, "See that guy playing George Washington? That's me! You may not be able to tell because of the wig, the clothes, or the makeup, but it's definitely me!"

Today's documentary also showed about ten minutes of a man playing Tsar Nicholas II of Russia toying with the idea of signing his throne over to his son, his brother, and eventually revolutionaries. I'm serious folks; for ten minutes, I saw video of a man sitting at a table with an oil lamp, picking up a pen, bringing himself to sign the documents, and then chickening out at the last minute and placing the pen back on the table. He did this about twenty thousand times while the narrator said all of the important things. Want to know the best part? All that was shown was his forearms and his hands! This actor/model could have been sitting on the set all day, filming variations of his mock-signing, dressed in gym shorts and a t-shirt with pretend Tsar shirt sleeves. Oh, and I could have done a much better job than our pal dressed in gym clothes, because my fingernails are actually clean. He looked as though he had not washed his hands in the last week at least.

Plus, think of the job security! There are always people creating documentaries of the past that have absolutely no historical video (after all...the video camera is a very recent invention). They have to keep the high school students watching entertained, so they don't use their pencils to gouge out their eyes after seeing nothing but those ugly historians with teeth protruding out of their faces that can only come from one of those British dentists that don't actually know how to take care of teeth. Overall, I see no downside to choosing this as a career. I think I'll go up to school tomorrow and withdraw because I don't need to learn how to pretend to write with a pen...I did that during our multiplication timed-tests in third grade!